“Don’t tell anyone that you go to the psychiatrist,” said my mum.
“Why not?,” I asked.
“Because they won’t understand,” she replied.
For 15 years I refused to believe that her argument was valid, and I was shouting it out loud, trying to get attention through my disorder.
Today I got it: most people don’t understand what a personality disorder or a mental health disorder is… and they don’t need to know.
Why? That’s the question that I’m going to answer in later paragraphs.
When I went on dates, I ended up opening myself and telling men about my illness. The result of that behaviour was appalling, but I couldn’t realise it until now.
“The only people who will be attracted to that behaviour are messianic or violent men, their thoughts will be: aaaah, so this one is weak and I can control her… this one is mine!!!,” explained my therapist this afternoon.
No need to reinforce this argument with my personal experiences, which I’ve already discussed in earlier posts.
My mum was right. However, she wanted me to keep the secret because it would look ‘inadequate’ in the public eye, and that’s definitely NOT the reason why I should keep it to myself.
The reason is healthiness and responsibility.
This is MY illness, which means I AM responsible for my recovery. No one else is responsible for picking me up from the dirt.
I do get it though: We all grew up dreaming about this wonderful person, who we will fall for and whose love will put all our concerns at ease…. WRONG!!!! Fairy tales can be so damaging when introjected into human mind.
Nobody else but yourself is going to fill the hole in your chest.
Also, nobody who’s healthy (or able to provide healthy love) will show their pain to be loved (if your date does that.. beware.)
Showing off a really difficult life (don’t get me wrong, I know how hard it is) doesn’t make you more interesting or exotic.
What makes you interesting is the person you are without the disease, even if you’re an outcome of it, and if you think you’ve nothing awesome in your life, think again.
Deep inside, we all know we go to bed everyday being champions. Why? because we’ve our disease but we’ve gone through it for the last 24 hours. And I know you do try… otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this post.
“Yes, I have some stuff going on, but I’m dealing with it,” was the best thing I could have said on that date. 1) Because it was real and 2) because there’s NO NEED to picture a perfect life for your partner. Being fair with yourself is also essential.
When someone gets to know you better, and if you think you TRULY want to share it, then do it.
Not beforehand, unless you want someone to love your disease as opposed to yourself, and be sure that the person who loves it will have his/her own disease as well, ready to get attached to yours.
I know we’re all desperate for help. We all wait for the magic potion, the cure…. that’s why blogs like this one are on, or you can make your own and dump the rubbish out on it, that’s what therapy is for, that’s what arts and creativity are for! There’s a way to control your own illness, but you’ve to find it… and it’s an interesting and fun journey.
Only you know how hard it is day by day. I know it myself. Everyday is a battle against the disease, everyday medication needs to be taken, everyday is a struggle to get on with people and it’s even more difficult to contain those sick impulses we’ve.
You, me, and millions of people around the world who have mental health disorders know it. Be proud of your own efforts!!!
nocureforme 