Egotistic

I’m back at work! Covering finance. How could one imagine?

This morning went into that large room, filled with business people, and I felt just like that day when I started covering the Parliament: confused, excited, anxious, with loads of information at hand that I didn’t know what to do with. I even thought I was badly dressed.

This experience, which made me really humble by realising all the things I don’t know, reminded me of something: I’ve a huge ego.

It’s utterly hard for me to accept that I think I know everything, and I think nobody has more experience than me in the matter of pain, mental health, and knowing what is like to living the real life, etc… I didn’t even know what real life was! I used to live inside my brain.

I want to get rid of it. That need about being recognised has to vanish. That one that wants to show the world what I’m made of. 

But even if I write it down on these lines it doesn’t sink in. 

I’m an adult, but a child certainly needs his/her parents and I lacked of them. So I got used to, in a metaphorical way, putting lights to shine over me, dress of a hundred colours, be good, more than good, in order to get attention… and now I’m all grown up but I still use that ‘technique.’

The good thing about it is that I’m not a child anymore, and I will no longer need of the rest of the people that much. 

However, trying to provide myself with everything I need hasn’t proved to be enough: money, a nice job, friends, a partner… but despite those efforts on my behalf.. I’m not calm.

Happiness and peace are a hard thing to hunt down….

Although there are options: one that I really want to explore is the world of Buddhism. I’d really like it since I practice Mindfulness meditation – got that from therapy in London and worked wonders.

I’m about to fall asleep, but I just wanted to state that I’m an egotistic girl. I don’t like it, please life: help me to get rid of it and reach a humbler and happier state of mind.

Loads of hugs and best wishes for you mates.